Last Firsts

Right now I’m sitting on the couch , watching my baby crawl across the living room. Caroline’s been busy perfecting her new skill this week and she spends all of her waking hours crawling from one end of the house to the other as if it’s the most amazing place in the world. Which I suppose to her it is, being able to explore it all on her terms.

She’s been a pretty verbal baby from the get go, always cooing and babbling away to family and strangers alike. Lately her sweet baby chatter has become more distinguishable. Her first ‘word’ is Mama and it seems as if “Dada” isn’t far behind.

We’ve already witnessed so much. Her first cries and her first squeals of delight.  We survived her first sleepless nights and beamed with pride when she gave us her first smile. She’s pulled up for the first time, clapped for the first time, and gotten her first teeth. And I know that this is only the beginning. Even though she has so many more ‘firsts’ ahead of her, I have to admit that I’ve shed more than a few tears these last few weeks as I realize that I will never witness these miraculous moments again. She’s my last baby.

It’s been such a bittersweet time for me. I’m pretty sure that my recent trip to Goodwill to donate most of the baby items Caroline’s outgrown didn’t help matters. I needed to do it – God knows we need the space –  but packing up the baby swing, the bouncy seat, the newborn bottles and the infant tub that survived 3 children just made it all very real. I have no need for them anymore. I will never have a need for them again.

A part of me can’t help but grieve for what I have been blessed with but which is now gone – that precious time in life that I muddled through in a fog of major sleep deprivation and slight anxiety. A time of precious firsts and beginnings. A time when every single one of my babies’ needs were met by me. Does that make any sense?

 As I’ve spent these past few weeks watching Caroline’s spunky little personality develop and marveled at her deep rooted determination, I can’t help but feel like a jumble of emotions. I’m at once the luckiest woman alive and a little heartbroken too. These are our last firsts.